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Mommy Guilt

March 18, 2011

I suffer from Mommy Guilt. I’m assuming that I’m not the only sufferer of this chronic issue. Either way, it sucks. I want the best for H Money and That Daddy and for our family as a whole and most of the time I give my best for our family. I don’t expect myself to be perfect, but I often look back at choices I made and wonder if the outcome would be different if I just did something different. Some times I beat myself up over the choices I made. Some days I realize that I am doing the best I can and that’s really all that matters.
Let me give you a for example. I’ll hop up on the couch (good thing I’m using the laptop!) and you play therapist and we’ll just have a session. Just bill my insurance.
When I found out I was pregnant in 2008 I was excited. As I started to do research (I’m a habitual researcher) and contemplate birth I realized that I would like to have a natural birth. Then we found out about H Money’s medical stuff. I realized that we had reached a “game changer” and I would have to look at birth differently. Fast forward to my 36 week 6 day appointment. We tentatively scheduled a c-section for May 28 and then I went to ultrasound for the 18th ultrasound of the pregnancy. My amniotic fluid was low according to the ultrasound. Instead of enjoying lunch with That Daddy and returning home to enjoy my maternity leave we were sent to Labor and Delivery (via McDonald’s for lunch). Once we got settled and I was in the fancy gown and hooked up to all sorts of monitors that were annoying my OB came in the room. He wasn’t too pleased that we had some fancy food for lunch because that meant induction was out of the question and if my amniotic fluid didn’t go up via 24ish hours of IV fluids then I would be having a c-section. That Daddy and I agreed that a c-section was what we were going to do no matter what (no induction) and H Money was born the next day at 12:15 (I wasn’t dehydrated and my fluid levels went down according to a different ultrasound machine).
When I look back I wonder, should we have considered an induction? What if……? What if……? You get the picture, right?
Fast forward to February 2011: It’s H Money’s monthly weight check with ECI (Early Childhood Intervention) and the dietitian that comes out is pregnant. We’re talking about birth/pregnancy/stuff and I finally gave myself permission to lose the “What if”s from H Money’s birth when I told her I knew the c-section was the right choice for the birth because that is what we were mentally prepared for. I didn’t do any sort of research into The Bradley Method, Hypnobabies, Hypnobirthing or any other natural birthing plan/method. It was the right choice for his birth. I have released myself from that particular “What if”. Now I just need to go through the rest of my list and cut myself a break. I can’t undo the past. I can choose to be the best mother and wife I can be right now and that’s what I need to do.
Thanks for being my psychologist.

One Comment leave one →
  1. Marisa permalink
    July 27, 2011 4:20 am

    hi mama, I was in the same situation like you , just I had a mioma 9 cm which didn’t allow the baby to go on his way , so after 15 hours of labor we decided for c section , I was not at all prepared for this , do to this big stress the milk came so so hard after 2 weeks with hard stimulation and sirups in mean time the baby was on bottle , then later when milk came he didn’t want the breast , I tried so hardly to make him to drink from the breast but no way , so I decided to pump the milk and give to him and complete with formula ,now we are 3 months , still pumping but the milk is less and less and I am thinking to wean . So sometimes I think that I was not insisting enough with breastfeeding, but I didn’t want to frustrate my son to much . He is growing well , and I have to take care of myself ,to be able to be a good mama and wife !Thanks for being my psychologist.

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